If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
