So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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