just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
