Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
