she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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