Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
