So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
