Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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