even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
