pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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