He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
