I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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