There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
