Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
