Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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