im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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