hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
