The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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