I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
