He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
