You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
where are my eyebrows?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
