well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
