one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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