Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Houston, we have a blender
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
