my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
