So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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