Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
