you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
