And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
