she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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