Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
false alarm, still single
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
