I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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