The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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