sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
