all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
