My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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