So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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