i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
