i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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