Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i think i just lost a toe
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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