Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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