You just made me feel so damn special
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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