Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
