Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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