I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
