Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
