If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
