Umm I'm too high to move.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
