I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
