fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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