My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
